Am I WORTHLESS ?

Self love is the elixir of an immortal heart.

-Amy Leigh Mercree

Bonjour,

Hope you are doing well, how’s the weather there ?

It’s chilling winter here, and my soul is certainly getting cold just like my body. It’s shivering, but it cannot make any noise, it’s drying and breaking but there’s no hydration around.

I think , I have been like this since a long time, no wait, not too long, but from the time I started understanding my inner self.

I am no celebrity or some established personality, am just a normal girl.

Normal average looking girl, may be below average for some, have not achieved alot, actually achieved nothing let me specify, just  a graduate and working to fulfil day to day requirements and trying hard to get through my really big dreams.

Yes, I have some really big dreams, to be accomplished, for which I have always been confident about, but certainly, I have lost my confidence, I have lost it all from inside; I am scratching everyday, I am crying everyday, I am dying everyday...slowly !

But do you know why ?

It’s a slow process- let me tell you.
It’s not an immediate effect or thought which comes inside any of us. It is something which,  when you tackle with some unwanted energy on daily basis, an energy which is loud, which is negative, which is harsh, which is just less human.

Have you been ever questioned about your presence, your appearance ?

If yes, then it will be pretty easy for you to connect with me, but again if you are the one who makes people like us suffer, let me tell you my friend, you are doing some kind of sin, which will be reversed to you, because,
KARMA is a bitch !

Every next day, reading those self love quotes, stay confident liners and love yourself blog s, it makes me question, am I worth living inside the society ?

Firstly, you stood at me, howling and shouting at me, making fun of me, comparing with others, and now ,when you know, you have killed me from inside, wounded me so deeply that no medicine can heal me, you have started offering me some good motivational talks ?

But why ?

Am I NOT WORTH IT ?

Then why did you fell in love with me ?

If I wasn’t beautiful to you the way I am , why ?

I understand that ,it’s not your fault, it’s societal norms, which had made you think so , am I right ?

But there’s again, much more than this physical appearance, it’s my self respect, my dignity, my stand, my perspective and much more which is just mine, and not yours, and will never be so.

But then, in the way to accomplish this milestone set up by you and your respected world, I somewhere lost myself, these were never the milestones I needed;

NEVER, let me remind you.

Why am I not allowed to do mistakes, why ?

Is it just because I don’t fulfill your standardization scale ? Just beacuse I have let my life on terms till date, you have stood up to supress me- making me feel at every point that I am not worth it, sometimes pointing at my appearance, sometimes digging out some sins happened to me, by me.

I am not begging you, but I am crying, I am scratching every bit of my body, just because you made me do so.

The girl who was once proud of being herself, has suddenly started doubting herself at every moment , irrespective of knowing, this world and it’s standards are far  away from her own custom boundaries.

But again I am not allowed to blame, I will be judged by the world you are in, I will be judged by you, I will be judged for something which just did exact level of harm the way you felt, but I will be judged. I will be questioned, because, I am sacred, I am not supposed to anything wrong which has been set up by your society.

But I am this worthless ?

Don’t worry if my last breath doesn’t end with your name, don’t worry if someday I pick up my bags and just move on, don’t worry if someday my scratches bleed and ruin your dreams and contributes for sweeping away all the dirt you had in your mind.

Being me’ is this bad,

I was never made to learn any lesson on such topic, may be my world and norms are different from yours, and I will never be able stand in your frame.

Take care.

I don’t promise anything anymore.

Forever DEAD !

I have to learn how to pretend,

I have to die a thousand times, just to feel alive around you.

Please,

I can’t anymore.

I simply cannot.

I am SORRY for myself, I have failed you.






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